Home for the Holidays
Some tips excerpted from Mariana Caplan's book "When Holidays are Hell...!
A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings."
If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender...
1.Don't assume you know
how somebody will react to news of your sexual orientation-you may be surprised.
2.Realize that your family's
reaction to you may not be because you are gay. The hectic holiday season
pace
may cause family
members to act differently than they would under less stressful conditions.
3.Remember that "coming
out" is a continuous process. You may have to "come out" many times.
4.Don't wait for your family's
attitude to change to have a special holiday.
5.Recognize that your parents
need time to acknowledge and accept that they have a gay child. It took
time
to come to terms
with your sexual orientation, now it is your family's turn.
6.Let your family's judgments
be theirs to work on, as long as they are kind to you.
7.Create your own holiday
gathering with friends and loved ones, if it is too difficult to be with
your family.
Before the visit...
1.Make a decision about
being "out" to each family member before you visit.
2.Discuss in advance with
your partner how you will talk about your relationship, or show affection
with one
another, if
you plan to make the visit together.
3.Don't wait until late
into the holiday evening to raise the issue of sleeping arrangements. If
you bring your
partner home,
make plans in advance.
4.Have alternate plans if
the situation becomes difficult at home.
5.Find out about local g/l/b/t
resources.
6.If you do plan to "come
out" to your family over the holidays, have support available, including
a Parents,
Families and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) publication and phone number of a
local PFLAG
chapter.
During the visit...
1.Focus on common interests.
2.Reassure family members
that you are still the same person they have always known.
3.Be sensitive to your partner's
needs as well as your own.
4.Be wary of the possible
desire to shock your family.
5.Remember to affirm yourself.
6.Realize that you don't
need your family's approval to sustain an excellent relationship with your
partner.
7.Connect with someone else
who is gay-by phone or in person-who understands what you are going through
and will affirm
you along the way.
*******
If you are the friend or family member of someone gay...
1.Set up support for yourself.
It is important to realize you are not alone. Find the phone number of
the
nearest Parents,
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) chapter.
2.Take the time. Acceptance
may not come instantly, but be honest about your feelings.
3.Don't be nervous about
using the "correct" language. Honesty and openness creates warmth, sincerity
and a
deeper bond
in a relationship. If you are not sure what is appropriate, ask for help.
4.Realize that the situation
may be difficult and awkward for your gay loved one as it is for you.
Before the visit...
1.Practice in advance if
you are going to be discussing your family member's sexual orientation
with family and
friends. If
you are comfortable talking about it, your family and friends will probably
be more comfortable
too.
2.Anticipate potential problems,
but do not assume the reactions will always be what you expected.
3.Consult with your gay
loved one when coordinating sleeping arrangements if he or she is bringing
home a
partner.
During the visit...
1.Treat a gay person like
you would treat anyone else in your family.
2.Take interest in your
family member's life. He or she is still the same person.
3.Don't ask your gay family
member to act a certain way. Let them be their natural selves.
4.Acknowledge your gay family
member's partner as you would any other family member's partner.
5.Include your gay family
member's partner in your family traditions.
6.Ask your gay family member
about his or her partner if you know they have one.
7.Connect with someone (a
friend or a spouse) with whom you can talk openly about your concerns or
feelings.